Make up a lease and sign it. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Shes moving and needs a van? There have been days when I could be found dancing on the couch and all over the house with this and Bad Reputation on a playback loop, both middle fingers proudly in the air. This is something that consistently bothers me too although in my case its more just that I dont want to answer that question with my coworkers ever. Spot on, thank you. And it is really freaking wearing on them that people in the UK will correct them if they say theyre British. This strikes me as so strange! If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. Good luck. ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. We had to interrupt her to say, We = mom and me, and you got mad so fast, we never got to say would you like to come along? Answer vaguely. We also told our children when they were growing up that they could use us as an excuse any time they felt pressured or uncomfortable saying no for themselves. But I explained that I feel like Im being put on the spot- and I would prefer that she just ask me what she wants. I guess the conclusion is, ask more directly up front, and if I know someone has a hard time saying no, make sure I explicitly say, its okay to say no, or something similar. Any fun plans? Ive seen too many nightmare scenarios of late, in the wake of the Aziz Ansari mess, that start out exactly like you are describing. Why? Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. Why do people ask? Ah. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. Thats thats exactly what makes it a microagression. (Id definitely use this for the likely-to-request-babysitting sister, for the recordany time youre asking someone a favor, you lead with that, you dont try to trap them into it!). Luckily my husband is a Mega Introvert as well (sometimes more than me) and understands my feelings. Shell show up at your house again, or track you down partway to school. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. My father nearly died in my arms, and you cant meet me at the airport to show me you love me, because you dont like being told what to do? Excellent insight and analysis. Id be open to a one-on-one hangout but just out of energy for any group thing, if thats why youre asking laundryall the laundry. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. I agree!! I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? I was taught that if you are actually inviting people for something, its rude to do it by asking them what theyre doing that night first, because it traps them without a believable excuse for saying no. If I have no specific plans, she thinks my time is hers (but you said you were doing nothing! and she likes to be like cousin in example 3, re her children doing lots of stuff for her because thats what good kids are supposed to do (and if were not performing like good kids, then shes a bad mother ~guilt guilt~) and she doesnt like to ask directly* so it often comes across as manipulative or passive-aggressive). They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. Please note, Ive explained why I often say no and that Im very much a loner. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. Because everybodys got something. Get a little philosophical and it'll get everyone off of your back. I should have specified that this particular woman was white, of a european background, and when she elaborated it was pretty clear that she was getting the I am genuinely curious about you variety of the question and not the You arent REALLY one of us implication. 2. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. Teaching my fish how to swim. I cant see into the future and neither can the people in my life. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). I can also see how always hearing a particular question before being asked a favor is going to start getting on your nerves. If partying and watching Netflix is the only thing you dream of doing, don't pretend that you spend your days filling out job applications. I was never taught that was the correct answer. Its not an actual request for information, its a greeting and acknowledgement of each others existence. Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. Relatedly, this is not an impolite thing to say. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? My answer to this question is almost invariably Not sure yet, why? or Havent quite decided, how about you?, This might elicit a Well I was just wondering if youd like to to which I will respond, That sounds better than what I was planning, count me in or Hmm, thanks for thinking of me but I dont think Ill be able to this time. Can you repeat what you just said? Mostly they arent great at invitations. I myself often do not care what Im eating because FOOD, but even if I have zero preference as to the restaurant, I will engage in the decision making process in order to help the other person out, and also because it gets us to food that much faster. Thats because I regard is as manipulative and Im very surprised that some people consider it a way to make saying no easier instead of harder. Its essentially part of, or an alternative to, hello. Theyre expecting to hear seeing a movie and doing some yardwork, not reciting my social security number out loud while treating my intimate medical issues or anything else not normally shared with a crowd. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! When Ive used it outside of the US and on people who are not Anglophones from birth, its often perceived as prying which, in those countries, it is. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. So the reframing may help. If it makes you feel better, I did not compare you to my father. One thing I think might be getting lost a bit in the discussion is the distinction between asking What are you doing this weekend as small talk indicating Im interested in your life (e.g. This has not happened to me, that I know about, but aunt has a sibling who does not hang out with the family much, for reasons that dont need exploring at this juncture, and I have heard them say stuff like I cant believe shed rather [wash her hair/go to the doctor/chores/etc] than have lunch with us. or right out, shes making up excuses to not go out with us. And some family members are theyre hurt by it and some just dont get it. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. And its hard to argue with. Folding the dishes. Question bugs me too, so I figured out some noncommittal answers that hit the tennis ball back into the askers court where it belongs. Thank you!!! (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). 3. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!. This is my first time commenting because so much of this rang true. I hear you. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. The LW is getting socially trapped, and needs a selection of answers that are vague while also claiming her right to her time. So she says no. I think it can also be a way of getting to know a person, or the kind of small talk that people in some regions feel they HAVE to make if they want to be polite. Yes, exactly. My small college town has become a lot more cosmopolitan over my lifetime, and weve got enough of an international population now that Im deeply curious about many of the customers at the store where I work. I might hang out with some friends on Sunday. Theyre couched as requests, and a truly good reason would be all the excuse we would need. Skip the part where you say Ill have to check my calendar or even Im not surejust go ahead and ask them what they have in mind! I mountain bike every weekend! Them : Ah, then Ill get back to you (They never get back to you). Why do you ask? Its a polite way of communicating WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? This realization makes me like Tuesdays more.) I have actually thought about writing in about this one as well. Need some help actually. Had it been a long time since shed asked him? interactions that I think stand a significant chance of blowing up in peoples faces. Funny Ways to Respond to "How Are You?" Overworked and underpaid. Speak to US respectfully. I can see where laundry might be a perfectly good excuse NOT to go with your aunt to somewhere you dont want to go. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. And if I run into but surely you dont need BOTH days to yourself? Im also prepared to retort with something like, Maybe you dont, but Im very excited for two days to decompress. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. For people Im close enough to be snarky with Its depends Are you asking for fun or work?, I like this, but Id go maximum snark and phrase it as, Is this about business or pleasure?, I say Ill have to check. This is a different way of reacting to a social interaction. He taught me that its always polite to leave someone a face-saving way out of a social situation, so if you want to ask someone to go do something, give them a certain date/time, so if they dont want to go they can say sorry I have other plans without anyone feeling awkward. Like now? Here we're providing you with some better ways to respond to when your partner or girlfriend says, I hate you when you know they say it jokingly. I think people use that particular question instead of asking outright so they can feel out whether the person has any plans or our open to hanging out before they ask them to commit to a specific thing. I think it would be helpful for folks to give LW the benefit of the doubt that she/he is not taking the time to write in to an advice column over very simple coworker small talk questions. And to this day, unless its a good friend with whom I know I can say eh I just dont feel up to what you suggested even though Im not busy, I get anxious whenever someone pulls the so what are you up to on X day? question. I also like the advice to just tell people I interact with regularly that I dont like that question. Well, have fun whatever you end up doing / decide to do. No Response. But they seemed concerned that this type of answer was not appropriate or that there might be a better strategy. What are you doing this weekend? Jumping from Are you doing anything on the 3rd? to I need to know if youre coming on the 3rd so I know how many pies to bake! would be really confusing. , I am in a cat trance. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. Published April 10, 2020 "How are you doing right now?" That's the question I've been defaulting to on the phone, over text, and over Zoom chats during this time of ballooning,. I just wanted to add that in my experience as a POC in a white majority country its mostly been well-meaning people who have made me feel discriminated against. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. If you want! My Kid: No (shuts door again) She had already asked him. No, that is a very bad script with pushy family connections. I definitely would never say this to in-law oversteppers. I can tell you out of personal experience that the constant repetition of this makes you feel a lot like you will never be fully accepted as part of the society/community you live in. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. Then, I asked her, why did she ask ME? Oh, such discerning eyes. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. None of us see each other over weekends. It all feels like a gross, stupid game I dont want to play. If its something Im keen on, the answer is, Woot! I always do this, too, especially if I get the vibe they want something from me other than just hanging (like baby/pet-sitting). Funny Bumble Answers #3: Rebel Without A Cause This answer is funny because it paints a picture in the woman's mind of a rebel, even in his youth. But that was fun and consensual for both parties. Eating. Theres just no way, you see, that this is what a womans mind does, what she is for. If a stranger or acquaintance says, How are you? its mostly just meant as a greeting, and you greet them back by saying, Im good, thanks or Doing alright or Oh fine, and you? Just some standard vague but positive-sounding reply. This is my reaction. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. With some people, though, perfect honesty might be the best solution if you expect them to follow you closely in social media: Uh oh, that week is really busy and I am going to be very tired and stressed in [time]. And if its clearly just conversation, (and you want to participate further) offer up something else, When I was a teen or an adult who looked like a teen, I was very fond of, Ill have to ask my mother. I had as little to do with my mother as possible at the time, but I noticed this response was great at making creepy guys shrivel up and slink off. I like to respond with Doing nothing. I am definitely not math or sciencey, just like my me time, so that wouldnt have occurred to me. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. All right, good, fine, grand are the normal answers, and then its repeated back. Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Good to know! I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. If it doesnt work with my schedule, I will tell you. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. You can help!'. Enjoying life and nothing else. I like to use Oh, you know, just some of the usual weekend stuff. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! Life is filled with lots of required thing that some folks loathe and others either like or dont care either way. One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! "Better days are coming. And sometimes its due to the other person not grasping the soft no/non-answer to drop the conversation (generally people I am not already friends with, like the one bank teller who keeps on asking* and that I do find nosy/irritating). I find mildly-but-not-entirely-absurd stock answers to be a good distraction. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. That said, I tend to think the person asked, they can damn well deal with the answer. If you want to invite them, INVITE. Which is odd, because if anyone has an aura of genius around them, she does. This is just a funny response to give because it is the opposite of what they had asked just you. Lots of commenters here are noting that people ask about weekend plans as small talk. Culture or not, Im very sympathetic to people who have a hard time saying no, since that used to be me. I also love Caps I need to check my calendar and get back to you approach. It feels invasive what I do on my weekends is my business. During [business_hours] that's usually within a couple of hours. Where are you from is often followed by no, where are you REALLY from which seeks to establish that you are a foreigner. Can you do me a favor? You may also eagerly seize on these options and/or provide some of your own., (2) Hey, Im looking for someone to cat-sit while Im out of town for the next three months. A short, simple reply can be all it takes for you to let them know you appreciate their comment. Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. a coworker you dont hang out with outside of work asking this question on a Friday) and as a pre-request/invitation. You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. This is one of those times where being okay with yourself and your own boundaries about this will help you deal with other people in a mannerly-yet-assertive fashion. Like, if you say you have nothing really planned, and you get asked to babysit or on a date, are you actually okay saying Sorry, cant this time? Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. For those who are ready to stand out from the crowd, we've gathered ten hilarious out of office messages that will inspire you to raise the bar the next time you sit down to write an autoresponder. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). No.. Try to be kind and positive in your response. 3. I probably picked it up from my mom, who does the same thing. I completely agree, it is always best to begin with the intention: I need a babysitter, I am planning a board game evening, I would love to spend time with you and catch up. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. It feels like they expect me to put in the majority of the effort, and it would be nice if once in a while instead of saying I dont see you enough they would say Would you be up for meeting up at the coffee shop on my town on Saturday if [their issues] allow? But its not something thats going to change, so I smile and nod at their noises and continue to plan things with them at exactly the rate I feel like doing so (including making extra effort if theyre going through a really tough thing). Flat? If its not something Im into, I feel pressure to say yes because she knows Im not busy. What are you up to on Saturday? has often been my go-to when dealing with someone (like my sister) that I *know* will feel pressured to accept whatever Im suggesting whether or not she wants to or has the time/energy for it. I have friends who do that, along with a SIL, and I also find it stressful/annoying. Maybe if the stress was a bit different? Her Kid: are you ready to come to school? Her Kid: *rings doorbell* again my mum says shall we wait for you? And I try to be easier on myself for not having more exciting weekend plans. Why? Yeah if I like the person and might be into it I usually friend-flirt with a depends on why!. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) This is how I feel too. Re #1, true that. Published on August 6, 2022. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. Thank you. In fact, you probably have all of these thoughts when a guy asks, "What are you doing this weekend?". But again, that often leads to a fraught conversation or hurt feelings that arent worth dealing with. That way they know Im not just sitting around with nothing to do, so I havent just signed myself up for free babysitting or moving services. Tucker makes the case that there is a war against Christians happening in America on 'Tucker Carlson Tonight:' TUCKER CARLSON: You always imagine in your mind's eye that it's evil men who destroy . after reading a ton of CAs archives I feel comfortable telling people, Im up to nothing both Saturday and Sunday, and I CANNOT WAIT. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. It is one of my pet peeves. But most of all, thats my time with my kids, and Ive realized that Im missing it. This is absolutely true; it IS rude to put someone on the spot like that. Should I keep doing what Im doing? And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Mild office small talk is fine with me, and I have a few coworkers who may become friends. And I understand many of your points. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. Theyre private and you dont need to know them. Im not talking about not dealing with this. Fine, thanks.. Born and bred in southern California, how are you? asked of/by a stranger functions, for me, like any scripted greeting, pretty comparable to an all right with or without the interrogative in that a detailed (or even particularly honest) response is not expected and in many cases wont be acknowledged because it wont be heard (because no one is listening for it). How it came to need an actual (although formulaic) response, Im not sure. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. I love you. I use the phrase same old stuff! In this situation. Improve your attitude toward your family." - Bo Bennett 4. Open your mouth and close your eyes andhold on, it got away., (1) Want to have dinner sometime? Things have a funny way of working out. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. "It's going well.". Not least of which, I never felt obligated to pick up on any of his hints ever again. The mental stress is the same whether you interrupt a current rest period or interrupt the chance to get there before it before it starts. Alternately, I am sleeping the whole weekend. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. While having to put up with gday, mate lacks the structural oppression of whats aimed at POC, it is still annoying. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). The people who are asking what are you doing this weekend? before making a request are taking away the LWs easy out that is, by getting LW to admit that he/she/they are free, the option to refuse with Oh, sorry, I have plans already is no longer there. I slept for twelve minutes while perching on top of my desk like a bird! So finding out if you have plans at a given time becomes an underhanded way of tricking you into agreeing to something, like LW mentions in point number 2. It's nice that they want to know about your plans, but their curiosity can feel more like an interrogation. You can do it as far as you can. If they want to tell you about their kids, they can. - Ogden Nash - Old timers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. Are you asking where are you from of every person you meet the first time, or only of those whose appearance/accent makes you suspect they are not from your locality? The fallout you talk about? She could NOT grasp that she was experiencing a cultural difference and the question wasnt going to stop because a) people were genuinely curious and/or wanted to show they were interested in her as a person and b) she was living in a part of the country where small talk was expected and people would consider it rude NOT to ask that question. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. Bye. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member.